For the most part, Target Field is like a spacecraft from a hopeful, utopian science-fiction universe. There, fans saluting any pennant can wear clothing honoring their sporting allegiance without harassment. Your experience might be different, but I've always enjoyed sharing the game with other fans and enjoying nothing worse than mild ribbing.

There are cracks in the facade, of course. The worst cracks open a gateway to hell, from which sprouts an unholy creature born to create utter misery in our baseball utopia.

I speak, of course, of the Insufferable Out-of-Town Fan.

Unlike his or her counterparts, the Insufferable One did not come to the stadium to enjoy the game. The Insufferable One came to perform a one-person act of performance art, designed to create discomfort that spreads across the stadium in waves of pure annoyance.

After any action beneficial to the visiting team, the Insufferable One leaps to his/her feet to flail wildly. If this creature notices a normal fan cheering enthusiastically, he/she must make wilder gestures and louder noises until his/her awfulness greatly exceeds anyone in the area. If children are present, the Insufferable One rejoices in utilizing the more emphatic swear words.

The Insufferable One utilizes her/his environment for maximum awfulness. For example, a simple baseball cap can be turned and rotated and placed upon her/his head in an annoying manner. Always concerned with achieving the proper affect, The Insufferable One will look around to insure everyone notices the ridiculous way they've altered their appearance (perhaps a ballpark giveaway can make an annoying noise or otherwise pester a decent fan). Should all of these methods fail, any cup of liquid can make for a spilly surprise.

The mere presence of The Insufferable One brings out the worst in the fans around her/him. If one of those other fans dares to speak a word -- or even make a noise -- The Insufferable One believes is directed to her/him, a bellowing bullfrog type of communication ensues. During this grunting display, The Insufferable One can create a second pocket of despair around the hapless fan he/she lured into the fray. If all goes as planned, the game will end with a Twins loss and a gloating, puffed-up Insufferable One clapping loudly as several pockets of taunted and disgruntled fans kick their empty beer cups.

Encounters with this creature, in its various forms, must simply be tolerated. Still, this writer dreams of utopia. Perhaps security can begin screening for fans who refuse to blink and cheer directly into the faces of Twins fans. Ushers could respond to early signs of Insufferability with a simple test. If the fan cannot maintain a simple conversation without screaming catchphrases and player last names, he/she could be transported to a room filled with mannequins and speakers repeatedly announcing "We are paying attention to you."

We can all be citizens of utopia, if we work together.

-- Axel Kohagen

www.axelkohagen.com