Crumb-Faced (Twins 0 Royals 13 – Game 109)

I abandoned this game at 6-0, and all I missed was Jamey Carroll pitching a clean ninth inning. And a whole bunch of suffering.

Checking the box score to see who stunk on the mound is like lining up elementary kids to see who has chocolate on their face after the cookie jar was emptied. This time, Correia and Pressly are crumb-bearded and cookie-handed.

I’ve never been a pitcher at any level. Is there a point in a brutal shelling where you lose your grip on time and place and just let the baseballs shoot past you? Do you remember each time a guy crossed the plate, or is it just all cold flop sweat and blank memories at some point?

After a sweep of the Astros, this game was a pantsing passport back to the reality of the 2013 baseball season.

Don’t Can the Cheese (Twins 7 Royals 0 – Game 110)

Twins smash the Royals at the plate and newcomer Andrew Albers couldn’t have made a finer major league entrance if he showed up in a tuxedo and ordered a martini. This would have been a nice game to catch, but I was out at The National that night instead of enjoying the national night out.

I go to see a band singing the beauty of losing and the Twins win. There’s something in that.

The real story here is a scandal, and it’s not the one with A-Rod. The New Britain Twins affiliate admitted to faking a failed marriage-cam proposal to create a viral video. This is an outrage, and it could shake the foundations of baseball as we know it.

This not a drill. This is the real apocalypse.

I get that baseball has to sweeten up the show to keep the homespun joy consistent for 162 games. I just don’t want them to get caught doing it. I mean, when a clown puts on facepaint it shouldn’t take phone calls about its retirement plan.

Every stadium, for every game, needs to be a village gathered peacefully to share in the festivities. You can fake a mascot race, but don’t turn Americana into professional wrestling. Or at least don’t get caught doing it.

Hold the Gap (Twins 5 Royals 2 – Game 111)

The hits kept coming, but somehow Deduno kept this game reasonable. Only three strikeouts, too. No walks, and it looks like everything is improving from last year. Maybe slow growth is better, or maybe he’ll just join Diamond in Rochester next year.

Still. I Want To Believe in the Deduno story.

Most of the Twins batting averages are street addresses for the early part of the 200 block. I fear the day the new blood on the Twins team finally gives out and the losses pour through the collapse like flood water.