The word down at Ichabod Crane’s Pub and Pablum: Head Cases Welcome is that Sano is to be traded to the San Diego Padres for four DisneyLand tickets, a 12-pack of 2019 Homerun Baseballs to be used only in the bottom of the 9th when the Twins are trailing and a Player To Be Named Much Later. In exchange the Twins will pick up Sano’s remaining 2022 salary in full, throw in a week’s stay at Madden’s Resort, a signed copy of “The Prospect” (in case it rains while staying at Madden’s) and a 12-pack of Grain Belt; whether it rains or not.

The local chapter of Sabermetrics is reportedly bummed out by the deal as they will no longer be able to measure Sano’s long balls… Wait, let me rephrase that, they’ll no longer be able to measure the distance of Sano’s moon shots, which played an asymmetric role in calculating the Sano Whiff Wind Rate, which in turn was used by Xcel Power to calculate the potential megawatts created by their wind generators in western Minnesota that is usually handicapped by the reverse breeze generated by South Dakota’s natural suckiness.

Ichabod’s chief bartender, Four-Finger Frank (so named for an accidental brush with a blender of Bloody Mary’s - lending truth to the nomenclature) said his regular patrons accepted the news with aplomb, which is slightly less explosive than a bomb, and a round of celebratory drinks was quickly ordered, the tab eventually provoking an argument as to who placed the order, said dispute later settled by a dart tournament that left only two customers not wounded and who agreed to split the tab rather than risk a hole-in-one.