Unfortunately, last evening, while walking home from my place of employment in Kagoshima, Japan, I was ambushed by an angry gang of youthful Japanese men.

I am not sure if they targeted me because I was American or if my job as a greeter at Burger King dictated that my honor was at such a low standing that it called for a good old fashion butt kicking. I must say I was intrigued by this gang… mostly their fashion and fighting style.

Imagine a young Japanese man dressed as Arthur Fonzarelli with the addition of a red bandana being worn around the forehead, who possesses superb martial arts fighting skills. Although I am bruised and bloodied – I am left with an impression that leans more to the positive than the negative.

Since I am fresh off a good A@% whipping, for some stupid reason it got me to thinking about Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy was a man amongst boys, the definition of a Man’s Man. He was the kind of guy who would kick the crap out of you, shoot and kill you, have your head taxidermied and hung prominently above his fireplace before he would give you a hug. I personally like hugs, but that is beside the point.

What if Teddy Roosevelt was secretly cryogenically frozen in 1919 and was re-introduced to our society in 2012? What would he do? What could he do? I think I might have an answer…

Teddy Roosevelt, Major League Baseball Commissioner

This is what I think would happen…

I think the contract structures and what the players monetarily make would change drastically. Under Teddy, I believe there would be a more than fair slotted yearly salary format based on sabremetric, guts and glory, and manliness (machismo) performance. Somehow, He would dispose of the Player’s Union.

Hit batters would skyrocket and there would a bench clearing brawl every 3 days or so during the MLB season.

All team personal appearance rules involving facial hair would be eliminated, closely monitored by Roosevelt himself. This essentially means that if a MLB players has anything but a mustache (long or short) would be reprimanded, fined, and forced to fix the mess that they made with their facial hair.

Although the slotted salary format is strictly in place – Free Agency still exists, but with a twist. Players are discouraged to leave the teams they are currently with, but when a player’s contract expires they have the option of the status quo or entering the Free Agent Safari. The Free Agent Safari will take place on a wild life refuge in a different place of our planet yearly – with a very good chance of wildlife threat. General Managers will be the hunters, armed with rifles that fire a skin penetrating pellet with a micro chip that indicates who has been caught and at what time. The last free agent standing wins a 100M bonus and has his choice of what team he plays for. The 2^nd and 3^rd place finishers receive a 20M & 15M bonus, 2^nd & 3^rd place finishers are allowed to pick the teams they would want to play for, but that team will have to negotiate a fee under 50M or make a trade with the players current team. As for the other free agents, they will be returned to their former team respectively. Unfortunately some players will not make it out of the Free Agent Safari and no lawsuits can be filed as the players will have signed a waiver, excluding MLB and all affiliates from any wrong doing. If a general manager is killed or wounded in the Free Agent Safari – they have already signed that waiver as it is a part of their contract.

Here ends my concept – I must go to bed and heal my wounds, and wake up to go to my job at Burger King tomorrow. As much as I was intrigued with the Japanese Gang the kick the crap out of me, I am hoping that there will not be a replay tomorrow – I am looking forward to an enjoyable evening at the arcade and maybe getting some hugs from the honeys!

Sayonara,

Bark’s Lounge[ATTACH=CONFIG]2753[/ATTACH]