Though the SPINNING WHIRLS OF THE SUPERNATURAL WORLD are often filled with lonely men in black t-shirts, nearly every Twins fan has pondered the UNBEARABLE SUFFERING of LOSING EVERY GAME to the NEW YORK YANKEES!

I hope I can somehow ease the EVERLASTING suffering of the sweet, TC-hatted heads in our community. How many of you have flung pillows at flat-screen televisions, slapped the power knob of a car radio, or politely told the ghost of Yogi Berra his delightful witticisms are not appreciated when your favorite team grounded out for the final out?

My recommendation for the Twins front office? ETERNAL VIGILANCE! All it takes is a Bronx Bomber with mojo on the mind to leave a cursed object somewhere in Target Field. Such an object might be small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, making it seem easier to demolish a building. I have a STRONG SUSPICION the Metrodome was DOOMED FOR DESTRUCTION as a method of exorcising the spirits of FORNICATING BATHROOM REVELERS who chilled visitors with their LOW, GUTTURAL GRUNTING!

And it gets worse. Who knows what they're doing in New York City, which I hear is larger than Duluth and St. Paul COMBINED! They could have a Minnesota hot dish in the stadium, baked with the sweat of Kent Hrbek's cap, left in a freezer to COOL THE BATS of the Twin Cities team. Perhaps a group of INTERDIMENSIONAL MYSTICS from R'LYEH to make each pitch seem bigger than the giant inflatable ball we make children chase to watch them STUMBLE AND FALL! HOW THEY FALL!

It's possible they might have a lot of money, too.

My money is on one Twins fan named Shemp Campbell. Shemp's a farmer from around Austin and he once saw a duck wearing a Yankees hat and he kicked it. Sometimes, that's all it takes. How many of us think before kick our ducks? ESPECIALLY when they're wearing athletic apparel. Makes you think.

But you don't have to think when the Yankees are beating the Twins. AGAIN. You just feel. You feel really badly. You wish the game could be fun again.

Don't kick ducks,

-- Axel Kohagen