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Entries in this blog

Feelin' Royally Screwed -- Twins at Royals (Games 54-56)

Twins at Royals   Salem’s Lot (Twins 3 Royals 0 - Game 54)   I started my day with a run. My Michael Cuddyer shirsey kept me company.   It’s funny how sturdy a fan’s heart is. After the announcement a beloved player will no longer be a Minnesota Twin, grief sets in. Then, when the season rolls around, you’re cheering for the players still in the dugout and you only pout when you hear former Twins’ names on highlight reels.   Sorta like breaking up with the person you kissed at summer camp.   I d
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1
2022 Season Blog

The Roar of the Crowd - A Twins Blog

I am not a handyman. I am a jack of no trades. When it became time to prepare my snowblower for storage, I took it as a threat to the peace and harmony of my weekend. Sure enough, I managed to stretch a small chore into two days of choking back cuss words because my daughter was in earshot. It's ready now. Probably. The nice part is I didn't suffer alone. I had Cory Provus and Dan Gladden to keep me company. I listened to the Twins play in the garage. It felt right, somehow. Baseball and sm

Twins/Tigers (Games 22-24)

Twins at Detroit   That Was Fast (Game 22)   If the Twins have to lose, maybe it’s best they lose quickly so we can all watch a nice movie before we head to bed for the evening.   When Kris Atteberry does the postgame report after a brutal Twins loss, it always sounds like the narration on a Civil War documentary. All they’re missing is a lonesome harmonica sound.   I don’t like it when Mauer isn’t hitting. It’s like adjusting to a world where the laws of physics aren’t in affect.   I did like i
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1
2022 Season Blog

Betrayed By Your Own Body - A Twins Blog

Our bodies betray us. Let’s say you’re a professional baseball player. You’ve been given tremendous physical gifts that allow you to play the game. Your muscles, tendons, nerves, eye sight . . . All of it coming together to create a ballplayer. A team puts a uniform on you, and suddenly you’re a sight to see. Like an ancient Greek, you represent the highest achievement in human athleticism. (Note: I realize not every baseball player represents a Platonic ideal of human anatomy. Babe Ru

Sacrificing Shirseys.

I drive by Target Field nearly every day. In the off-season, it looks like a brand new piece of playground equipment. The next time I go past it, it'll look broken-in.   Target Field's not Yankee stadium, but it deserves history. And what's history without a few ghosts?   Revere was a player with a future. Moving him is smart. Giving up winter dreams about his potential will still hurt.   I was as ready as I could be to lose Span. Losing Revere came as a surprise. I'm an jag-off for not getting
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1

Trilogy of Error (Twins at Nationals -- Games 57-59)

Twins at Nationals   A Small Amount of New Hope (Twins 4 Nationals 3 - Game 57)   Thanks to rain that wouldn’t go away, this Nationals series will be played in a space of barely over one day.   Condensing things makes this interleague series into a neat little three part trilogy. Like Star Wars or The Godfather.   Well, it will be for anyone in the Land of Lakes still sporting a TC on their hat, at least.   Tonight’s game had the underdog Twins playing the Nationals, a team that is actually good
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1

Summer of Massacres, Tornadoes of Sharks (Twins at Yankees -- Games 89-91)

The Twins Were Sharknados First (Twins 0 Yankees 2 - Game 89)   A SyFy televion movie called Sharknado took over the world of Twitter, and I’ll bet most Twins fans didn’t put up too much of a struggle.   Sharknado is a movie whose title tells you exactly what you’re going to see on your TV. The Internet Movie Database estimates it cost about a million to make. I’ll bet no one over the age of eight expected any quality from it, and yet it stole the world’s heart for a moment in time.   The Twins
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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Game 2 - These Things Happen.

I missed most of this game. I got into my car in time to hear Glen Perkins get all Mama Said Knock You Out on the top half of the ninth. My hopes went up, and Plouffe got on base right as I parked my car.   By the time I got inside and let the dog out, the Twins won on a walk-off double from Eduardo Escobar. I thought about tuning into the game for the post-game celebration but, when you miss the moment, you miss the moment.   From what I heard of the game, music at Target Field sounds like som
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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Game 3 - Spoon-Dug Tunnels.

As Twins broadcast signs off and repeats the 8-2 score, my thoughts turn to a Minnesota Twins playoff run.   Don't blame me. I tried to smother them in cynicism and reality.   The Twins just have to win games ugly and scrappy for this first third of the season. It's going to take cold weather, weird heroes, and relentless scrappiness.   In that time, they sort out their pitching staff. If they can come up with 3 above-average pitchers and then they can grind out some victories.   It's not much,
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1
2022 Season Blog

A Sunday Afternoon Comeback- A Twins Blog

Sunday afternoon. I’m making PB and J sandwiches for my daughter, my wife, and myself. I turn the game on the radio for a little bit and it’s the third inning. No runs in at this point. The Twins had already won the series, so I kind of wonder if we were due to lose one. The sandwiches made, I turn off the radio and go into the living room with lunch. My wife cleans up from mowing the lawn and I’m watching a JoJo Siwa special. I’m thinking about how much I’d rather be watching the Twins pla

I Walked-Up With A Monster!

In my continuing quest to improve the ferocity of Target Field Walk-Up Music, I have had an epiphany.   For around a 100 years, horror movies have hired composers to add intensity to the moment. Why not go with the professionals on this one? After all, some of the Twins players could use a jolt of intensity in the pysch-out department.   Here are some horror themes that would sound mighty smart pumping out the speakers at the ballgame.   Song: "Psycho: A Suite for Strings" Composer: Bernard Her
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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It's ALIV . . . No, Nope. It's Not. Sorry.

IT'S ALIV . . . NO, NOPE. IT'S NOT. SORRY:   FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 1   A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY       INT. MAD SCIENTIST'S CASTLE. MR. HORRORPANTS IS WEARING A LAB COAT AND STANDING IN FRONT OF A LARGE BODY ON A SLAB. HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY STELLA, HIS TRUSTY ASSISTANT GREAT DANE.   Mr. Horrorpants pulls a sheet off of the body on the slab to reveal a Frankenstein creation wearing a Minnesota Twins Jersey. On the sleeve is a patch revealing the creation represents Minnesota Twins F
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1
2022 Season Blog

Stats for Dark Days - A Twins Blog

Confession time. I’m not a stat-head. I need to be clear. I THOUGHT I was a stat-head for many years. I love stat-heads. I love the way the game can be broken down into useful pieces of information. There’s something mind-boggling and magical about watching a game and knowing that, just below the surface, hundreds of calculations and adjustments are being considered and implemented. It feels so tidy to me. Every bit of baseball goodness is squeezed out of every player.  Gut instinct is a fi

Let's Lease a Yeti!

Why can't Target Field have a yeti?   Even a dedicated master of the art of SUPERNATURAL BASEBALL has trouble cobbling together enough words to delve into the spirit of this wonderful sport. It's difficult enough to put on a face to open your door in these days of late, late winter. No baseball cap upon your head but instead a STOCKING CAP where the pom pom is made of the SHREDDED PLANS OF YOUR SNOWBOUND LIFE!   Twins fans spent a whole weekend indoors without a BIT of baseball to ease the pain.
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1
2022 Season Blog

That One Royals Series - A Twins Blog

This Royals series was inevitable.  The air is filled with the business of summer. Schools are either out of session or winding down. Kids are making plans to play outside after being given more time off than they know what to do with. Parents put together the finishing touches on family trips. Family dogs look for sunny spots in the lawn where they can pant peacefully. Ice cream consumption is up. Air conditioners are on. Somewhere, someone is already bored. In the midst of this comes
2022 Season Blog

Done Dirty in Detroit - A Twins Blog

In my last blog entry, I said the Twins needed a strong showing in Detroit to prove they were legit. During those five games, the Twins did not prove their legitimacy. Far from it. They looked bad out there, and they chalked up some injuries. Five games, and now success seems like it's falling out of reach.  This column's getting posted later than I'd like because life got busy for a bit. During that time, I didn't get much of a chance to follow those five games. The final scores popped up
2022 Season Blog

Rays of Freaking Sunshine - A Twins Blog

Thanks to Apple TV, my family got to watch a Twins game for a change. As luck would have it, we got a good one. The Twins crushed the Rays nine to four. Dingers abounded. I silenced my yelps of delight so my daughter would stay asleep. I enjoyed seeing some of the players I’d only heard about on the radio. I’m not sure I knew what Pagan or Larnach looked like. Watching Buxton hit a home run is a lot more fun than just hearing about it. He enjoys every second of his trot around the bases. I

Yankees Put the "L" in Twins. Again.

Though the SPINNING WHIRLS OF THE SUPERNATURAL WORLD are often filled with lonely men in black t-shirts, nearly every Twins fan has pondered the UNBEARABLE SUFFERING of LOSING EVERY GAME to the NEW YORK YANKEES!   I hope I can somehow ease the EVERLASTING suffering of the sweet, TC-hatted heads in our community. How many of you have flung pillows at flat-screen televisions, slapped the power knob of a car radio, or politely told the ghost of Yogi Berra his delightful witticisms are not appreciat
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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No Flames to Fan for Fans (Royals at Twins - Games 130-132)

Slam the Door (Twins 1 Royals 6 - Game 130)   I won't pretend any interest in following this game. A certain combination of real life emergencies left my family shell-shocked and living in a bunker mentality. This delayed my game recaps, and as you can imagine that delay was the least of our concerns.   I woke up from a nap that felt like a flatline to the Twins taking the fall on a heavy-hitting eighth inning. A score like that tells me I didn't miss anything by skipping out on the cleats and s
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

0

The Death of a Disco Mustache (Twins at Rangers -- Games 133-135)

We're Still Doing This? (Twins 3 Rangers 2 -- Game 133)   Forgot this was a solid win until a Rangers fan reminded me of it on Twitter. Close game against a great pitcher and a good team. Twins win.   I was more excited about another Morneau homer. Morneau may be Canadian, but his backstory makes him a real American hero. Brash but charming slugger finds early success, suffers a career- (and life-) threatening injury, and is just now getting to the part where the audience stands back on their fe
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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Circle Me Controversy - OTHERWORLDLY SECRETS REVEALED!

(Note - it is my hope that we are far enough past the CIRCLE ME BERT CANCELLATION NIGHTMARE that I may impart some TRUTHFUL TRUTHS. If my voice is silenced suddenly, please leave a stick figure drawing of TC Bear in a City Pages on the big glove sculpture. My people will understand.)   Roswell, NM.   An alien spacecraft crashes in the desert. The cover-up begins immediately. Some say it was a WEATHER BALLOON or an EXPERIMENTAL AIRCRAFT. A few even think the whole incident was an ELABORATE DECEPT
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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The Harsh Pinstripes of Destiny

When you're grown up, there's no reason to hide from the truth. You're not as funny as you think you are. Everyone dies. The universe is cold and hostile. More true than all of these, though, is the following Truth: the Minnesota Twins will lose to the New York Yankees in the first round of the playoffs. This series of columns begins with the ending, which is the Minnesota Twins losing to the New York Yankees in the first round of the playoffs. Other bloggers, vloggers, pundits, podcasters, colu
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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Baseball in the Backseat (Twins at Astros -- Games 136-138)

Chuckles (Twins 10 Astros 6 Game 136)   Other places it was Labor Day and the last day of the fair, but in our house it was preparation day. The next day my wife was due at the hospital for a thyroidectomy. She's fine, and she's going to be fine. It's just another annoying grown-up thing that reminds a person real life always wins.   We stayed busy preparing for our trip to the hospital, and the game itself didn't get much attention.   Still, when I heard about Colabello's grand slam in the nin
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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Spirit of a Ballplayer, Flesh Like Anyone Else.

"Then the boy saw all— Since he was old enough to know, big boy Doing a man’s work, though a child at heart—" - Robert Frost   Got the Sano news via phone notification as I got out of bed, and the grayness hung in the air like it saw this one coming.   Flesh fails us all, but it is not supposed to crap out on a young physical wonder standing in the wings, moments away from his MLB debut. In January, Sano drew long lines of fans at Twinsfest. Now he begins a long road toward rebuilding his body
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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