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Yankees Put the "L" in Twins. Again.

Though the SPINNING WHIRLS OF THE SUPERNATURAL WORLD are often filled with lonely men in black t-shirts, nearly every Twins fan has pondered the UNBEARABLE SUFFERING of LOSING EVERY GAME to the NEW YORK YANKEES!   I hope I can somehow ease the EVERLASTING suffering of the sweet, TC-hatted heads in our community. How many of you have flung pillows at flat-screen televisions, slapped the power knob of a car radio, or politely told the ghost of Yogi Berra his delightful witticisms are not appreciat
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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What Games? Twins at Indians.

Department of Water and Power (Twins 1 Indians 5 Game 69) It’s really easy to forget about a baseball game when you open up your blinds to see water slapping into your window like gravity made a 90 degree mistake.   Weekend baseball series are like a family cookout you can take with you on the car stereo. When the Twins are out of town, the cookout covers the Twin Cities and keeps going. You can ask strangers in blue and red for a score and they’ll tell you. If your biological family is far away
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1

We Gonna Do What They Say Can't Be Done?

It's opening day and I'm wearing my Joe Nathan shirt for the tenth year in the row. The Twins are playing the Royals, because the Twins are ALWAYS playing the Royals. Advanced statistics will confirm the Twins play 127% of their games against the Royals, and 75% of those games mean nothing to anybody anyway. But we sure play them, now knowing that all of us can go to Hy-Vee afterwards.   A guy named Duffy is taking the mound for the Royals, which kind of pissing me off. I don't know Duffy, and I
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

0

Walk Out Music.

Picture it: It's the bottom of the ninth at Target Field. The Twins are down by one and there's a runner on second. For a moment, you forgot there were two outs, and you forgot who was up next. Then, the walk-up music starts . . . and you still can't tell. It's not AC/DC, so it's not Morneau. The guy behind you asks "What song is that?"   A trip to Target Field is a trip to baseball heaven, but the music gets piped in from elevator hell.   Walk-up songs are a cue for fans to believe their home
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

5

Unrelated Cross-Promotion.

Last year, as some of you know, I wrote an online novel called The HooseCows. It's about an independent league baseball team where broken ballplayers try to find peace dealing with ballpark ghosts and bad people. It's available at http://www.cfcows.com. Currently, I'm preparing it for publication.   The problem is I missed writing fiction, and I wanted to write something else. I missed having a story to tell, so there was only one thing to do . . .   The new story will have under 5% baseball, an
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1

Two Occurances in Wisconsin: Twins at Brewers (Games 47-48)

Twins at Brewers   Wanting What Uecker’s Got (Game 47)   Twins found a win on their first game of the series in Milwaukee. I listened to the first inning on the radio and monitored the rest of the action on my phone. I only half believe giving up on a team hurts their chances of winning, but I absolutely know they won in spite of my pessimism today.   Listened to Bob Uecker call that first inning. Still weird to think about him having a stalker for all of those years. I guess, when you’re the vo
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1

Twins/Tigers (Games 22-24)

Twins at Detroit   That Was Fast (Game 22)   If the Twins have to lose, maybe it’s best they lose quickly so we can all watch a nice movie before we head to bed for the evening.   When Kris Atteberry does the postgame report after a brutal Twins loss, it always sounds like the narration on a Civil War documentary. All they’re missing is a lonesome harmonica sound.   I don’t like it when Mauer isn’t hitting. It’s like adjusting to a world where the laws of physics aren’t in affect.   I did like i
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1

Twins/Red Sox (Games 28-31)

Twins at Red Sox   Too Old for the Gang at Cheers (Game 28)   Home early, with my wife home as well, I started getting a hankering for watching the Twins play at a sports bar. Baseball’s just a little bit better when you’re covered in buffalo sauce and ordering another beer.   Except it was Monday. And I’m old. And wings plus beer plus anything else starts to add up to be a decent chunk of change. Don’t get me started on the calories, either. Plus, then you’re surrounded by a lot of people and y
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1

Twins/Indians (Games 25-27)

Twins at Cleveland   Except Tonight (Game 25)   For me, skipping the 10th inning of an extra innings game is like skipping the opener of a rock concert. You usually don’t miss much.   Except tonight, when the Twins crapped out in extra inning (singular).   Because I am a fan of the heart and not of the head, I assume the Twins will win all games where the score stays close. And when a home run comes flying out of the Magical Land of Parmelee, the Twins just have to win.   Except tonight, when t
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

3

Twins In Stereo.

The Twins take the field tomorrow for the first time in 2013's regular season. It'd be an awful lot easier to find some hope for the year if the snow wasn't so stubborn in getting off of my lawn.   Starting tomorrow, I'm going to record my impression of every Twins baseball game on this, my TwinsDaily blog. I'm taking a page from Stephen King and Stewart O'Nan, who documented a Red Sox season in their book Faithful.   Red Sox won the World Series when they wrote that book. I'm not holding my br
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

2

Twins Fan Club, Derry Chapter.

New Line Cinema released a furious preview for their remake of Stephen King's It, and the excitement drove me to pick up my well-worn hardcover of the book to reread it slowly and deliberately. I hope to become so connected with the terrors of Derry, Maine, that I risk waking up to find myself staring at the house on Neibolt Street. Or worse.   Last night, I read something that sparked my imagination. Mike Hanlon, future librarian and member of the heroic Loser's Club, referred to listening to t
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

0

Trilogy of Error (Twins at Nationals -- Games 57-59)

Twins at Nationals   A Small Amount of New Hope (Twins 4 Nationals 3 - Game 57)   Thanks to rain that wouldn’t go away, this Nationals series will be played in a space of barely over one day.   Condensing things makes this interleague series into a neat little three part trilogy. Like Star Wars or The Godfather.   Well, it will be for anyone in the Land of Lakes still sporting a TC on their hat, at least.   Tonight’s game had the underdog Twins playing the Nationals, a team that is actually good
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1

Treading Royal Blue Water (Twins versus Royals -- Games 74-77)

All Summers are Royal Blue (Twins 3 Royals 1 - Game 74)   When, in the course of baseball events, the Twins are clearly not going to make the playoffs, the Royals will play against them approximately one million times. Neither team will be playing meaningful baseball, and yet they will continue playing.   I shouldn’t complain. The Twins won.   Deduno wins again, too. Aaron Gleeman calls him a UFO, because people believe in his pitching prowess even though all the evidence points toward a more ra
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

1

This Fan Ain't No Good (Twins vs As -- Games 143-145)

Swarzak Attack (Twins 4 As 3 - Game 143)   You'd have a tough time coming up with a cooler success story for the Twins than the tale of Anthony Swarzak. Dude got injured rough-housing at Twins Fest and put himself out of commission for while. It seemed like one more reason to end up in Gardy's dog house, and an embarrassing way to escort yourself off of a major league roster.   Now it's September, and he's a success story. Maybe we should all start believing in the existence of the Sasquatch, hu
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

2

Then We Dotted the "i" - (Twins versus Mets -- Game 123)

(Twins 1 Mets 6 -- Game 123)   Today, two teams who won't get near the playoffs came together to play one final game that didn't mean much of anything. Except the Twins still lost.   Pitcher Kyle Gibson lost his job, too. I decided years ago he was going to be the future of the organization, so I made plans to stick with him throughout his ups and downs so I could say I always knew he'd be an ace.   I willed it, but it didn't happen. I can't say I'm sure anymore, which means I have tumbled off
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

0

The Yankees Select . . . A View of Playoff Yet to Come

2027 AD.   The Playoffs.   Yankee Stadium.   The stands are filled with screeching Yankees fans. Some wear spiked shoulder pads. Some look like the Baseball Furies. Zombies sit in the cheap seats.   Billy Crystal stands on the pitcher's mound, dressed exactly like Tupac in the "California Love" video. He incites the crowd to heightened frenzies. The zombies are having fun.   "Who will the New York Yankees select to play in the playoffs?" Mad Billy shouts.   In the other dugout, the Minnesota Twi
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

0

The Snowed In Opening We've All Imagined.

Weather reports tell me something wicked this way comes. I've got two gallons of gas for the snowblower and just enough left in my own tank to dig out from this one.   Downtown, Target Field better be ready. Come April, we're all coming over to watch the game.   With the weather waiting to pummel us yet again, how many of us are imagining a Wintery Wasteland Opening Day nightmare? Ever since they announced the stadium, the truly pessimistic of have smirked small, bitter smirks and imagined a sn
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

2
2022 Season Blog

The Scream of the Goat - A Twins Blog

"I'm not superstitious. But I'm a little stitious." - Michael Scott As fans of The Office know, Michael Scott can sometimes share deep knowledge. I think a lot of us are a little "stitious" when it comes to baseball. Prior to this Twins/Tigers series, I'd have told you I'm not a very superstitious person at all. Then, my coworker and I made Max Kepler good again. I'll explain. Before the series started, we were talking about Miguel Sano. We both remembered Aaron Gleeman's mailbag
2022 Season Blog

The Roar of the Crowd - A Twins Blog

I am not a handyman. I am a jack of no trades. When it became time to prepare my snowblower for storage, I took it as a threat to the peace and harmony of my weekend. Sure enough, I managed to stretch a small chore into two days of choking back cuss words because my daughter was in earshot. It's ready now. Probably. The nice part is I didn't suffer alone. I had Cory Provus and Dan Gladden to keep me company. I listened to the Twins play in the garage. It felt right, somehow. Baseball and sm

The Marlins Memo.

From: Michael Fakename To: Marlins Home Run Feature Design Team.   I. Love. It.   When I said I wanted something that looked like Rainbow Brite puked on a snowglobe, I was just a boy with a dream. You and your design team made this boy's dreams come true!   Can I make one small request? Could you add just ONE MORE Marlin to the display?   I'm envisioning a marlin that comes out of the top of the display, but real slowly. I mean, REALLY slowly. Almost creepy slow. It should just stop for a moment
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

2

The Laughs of the 90s Are Alive With Provus.

I've liked Cory Provus from day one. The man calls a good ballgame. He doesn't oversell the drama. He sounds like baseball ought to.   Since I've permanently ditched cable for the radio, I've been spending a lot more time listening to Mr. Provus. My opinion hasn't changed.   However, I've begun to notice something.   He's funny.   He's really funny.   He isn't flashy about it. He's not about loud voices, zingers, or crazy stories. I can't quote you a kneeslapper to prove my point. But he's funny
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

2

The Last Days of My Beautiful Twins Zubaz

I just asked my wife if my Twins Zubaz still existed.   I have to ask. They’ve seen better days. Their greatest wound is an inch and a half ripped seam in the crotch, rendering them useless for anything public. I’ve thought about mending the tear, but the rest of the Zubaz are worn so thin I imagine they’d tear in ten other places like ice crackling during a spring thaw.   Do I wear them expecting they’ll bring me closer to the Minnesota Twins as I slumber? Absolutely. Pajamas should always be a
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

0

The Insufferable Ones

For the most part, Target Field is like a spacecraft from a hopeful, utopian science-fiction universe. There, fans saluting any pennant can wear clothing honoring their sporting allegiance without harassment. Your experience might be different, but I've always enjoyed sharing the game with other fans and enjoying nothing worse than mild ribbing.   There are cracks in the facade, of course. The worst cracks open a gateway to hell, from which sprouts an unholy creature born to create utter misery
Axel Kohagen

Axel Kohagen

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