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About this blog

"I'm married to [hockey], baseball is my girlfriend." -Deion Sanders, sort of.

Entries in this blog

Man Forced To Finish Batting Helmet Full Of Nachos After Girlfriend Only Eats Three Chips

-SHTICKBALL-   Yesterday afternoon at a major league baseball game, Cody Goldstein, 26, had to endure the pain and subsequent later consequences of eating an entire baseball helmet full of tortilla chips, liquid cheese jalapenos, and a meat-like substance. This unfortunate turn of events came about when Cody’s girlfriend, Amber, only ate approximately three chips, thus fulfilling her craving for the salty snack.   “That was rough, polishing that whole thing off, but I was able to power through
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

0

Joe Mauer's New Hobby Is Lighting Cigars With $100 Bills

-Shtickball- An Euphus Pitch of Truth   Minnesota Twins First Baseman is in the later years of his career, and says he's finally finding some of the finer things in life as a well paid veteran.   "You grow up, you get old, and you find things that you really enjoy." Mauer said after finally showing up to Spring Training "I've had a blast watching my kids grow up, I've had a good time trimming my lawn with scissors, and now I've started smoking cigars lit with hundred dollar bills, and let m
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

2

Player Reports For Spring Training 'In Worst Shape Of His Life'

-SHTICKBALL- (bad satire)   Major League Baseball’s Spring Training has commenced, and most players have worked diligently all offseason to keep their premier physiques in shape. Not all players have, however.   During heavily clichéd interviews with reporters, many players like to tell everyone who will listen about how hard they have worked, and how they’re in the best shape of their life, which for basically every player over 30, is about as ridiculous as it sounds. But this player wasn’
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

0

Bert Blyleven emerges from Minnesota Twins moving truck in Fort Myers dazed and dehydrated

-SHTICKBALL- ~ A Satirical Story ~   Spring Training is almost upon us, and teams are invigorating their already football-deprived fanbases with images and videos of their team trucks loading up and heading for warmer climates to start the baseball season, and with that they’re packing up everything the team needs.   For the Minnesota Twins, one stowaway on the move truck was welcome, but also perplexing at the same time. Hall of Fame pitcher Bert Blyleven was spotted stumbling out of the T
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

1

Latin American Baseball Prospect Dreams Of Day He’s Good Enough To Be Robbed at Gunpoint

-SHTICKBALL- Baseball prospects are by nature full of hope and promise, but for some prospects, that hope and promise takes on a completely different meaning.   “You just watch, you’re going to see me, on ESPN, talking about being held at gunpoint someday.” Baseball Prospect Juan Jose Carlos said. “I’m going to take this game by storm, I’m going to play in the All Star Game, then, I’m going to get all of jewelry taken as soon as I go home.”   The path to the Major Leagues is a long and tough j
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

1

First Person To Achieve Success Strictly Due To Steroid Use Elected To Baseball Hall Of Fame

-SHTICKBALL- In a stunning reversal of conscience, the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame will induct a member this summer who owes nearly all of his successes to the benefits of steroid use.   Former Commissioner Bud Selig has been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, despite his time overseeing the game running rampant with performance enhancing drugs, now a topic that makes any baseball player's Hall of Fame credentials wilt like Toons dropped in “The Dip”.   When inducted, Selig will beco
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

3

Five Attacks Against The Wave's Defense

To wave, or not to wave. That is not a question. The wave is an abomination in sports, a selfish and childish unexplainable tradition that needs to stop. While it’s easy to point out the stupidity of the wave, there are still those who defend it. I took five defenses of the wave, and aimed to rip them to shreds.   In my short time writing about sports, I’ve written a lot of things. I’ve written about the rise of Devan Dubnyk thanks to a developing technique he’s been taught, I’ve ranked every sw
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

0

Fantasy Baseball Manager Fired By Ownership

-SHTICKBALL- In a stunning turn of events, I Puig My Pants Manager Bill Woods has been relieved of his duties. The announcement was made today via the message board on Yahoo Fantasy Baseball, and raised eyebrows all around the Bi-lateral Leg Weakness Baseball League.   The announcement came from an entity calling himself W. James Woods, Owner of the I Puig My Pants franchise. While it’s unclear at this point if the I Puig My Pants GM William Woods was involved in the situation, it’s interestin
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

1

GM Does Stuff Just To Justify His Job

-SHTICKBALL- In the front office of a professional team, one General Manager is getting rave reviews because of his recent hard work and dedication. What fans don’t know is how much he’s struggling to make himself look busy.   “I just spent forty million dollars today so local sportwriters wouldn’t call me a wimp.” The GM said, wiping sweat from his brow. “I had a plan to draft and develop some good players, but now I’m just wasting my boss’ money so that it looks like I’m working.”   This prod
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

0

Joe Mauer Turning Season Around With Milk Regimen

-SHTICKBALL- Twins firstbaseman Joe Mauer had gotten off to a pretty rough start in 2015, and even though there were many theories as to why, Joe thinks he has the problem solved. Joe started a daily milk drinking regiment a few weeks ago, and he believes that it is paying off.   “Earlier this season I wasn’t hitting very good, and I wasn’t exactly sure why. Then I realized for whatever reason I hadn’t been drinking nearly as much delicious Kemps milk this year, so I decided to try drinking mor
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

1

Terry Ryan Finds Himself Locked Out Of His AOL Account

SHTICKBALL   Thursday afternoon after the Minnesota Twins defeated the St. Louis Cardinals at Target Field, Twins GM Terry Ryan found himself having some technical difficulties. It seems Ryan’s America Online account had been compromised in some way, leading to rampant speculation.   Ryan claims that he was sure he was putting in the right password, and that he hadn’t recently changed it, or told anyone to change it. He also knew he was spelling his AOL username- BaseballGuy8791- correctly. Wh
Ben Remington

Ben Remington

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