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Satire based on current Twins happenings. Call it 'fake news' if you wish.

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MLB Confirms that Wider Batters should not have Wider Strike Zones

After a 3-game series against the Yankees where Willians Astudillo did not record a strikeout in 10 at-bats, the Yankees officially protested the game on September 12th. Manager Joe Girardi, and pitcher David Robertson, contended that the strike zone should be wider for a batter of Astudillo's girth. Seemingly, David Robertson was frustrated that he allowed his first earned runs since July, and couldn't figure out how strike out Astudillo in a key situation.   "The strike zone is normally only 1
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Eduardo Escobar only Willing to be Traded to Cities with a Fogo de Chão

(Entry photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)   Fogo de Chão, a Brazilian steakhouse with all-you-can-eat tableside-carved meats, was attributed by Eduardo Escobar before this season as a big reason for his success in 2017, according to an interview by the Star Tribune.   Reportedly, Eduardo Escobar is unwilling to be traded to any team whose home ballpark is not located near a Fogo de Chão. Namely, of the teams still in playoff contention this year, this will entirely rule out St. Louis (Cardina
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Target Field Staff Places Paper Bags over Minnie and Paul’s Heads

During the final game of the last homestand against the Rangers, after the Twins dropped the first three games of the series to the Rangers, many fans noticed a change to the familiar Minnie and Paul celebration sign in center field.   As an apparent gesture of the Twins performance this year, likely in particular that of the offense lately, Minnie and Paul had paper bags placed over their heads. Minnie and Paul are well-known for their friendly handshake over the Mississippi River.   Minnesota
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Twins Extreme Shift Ideas Found on Jeff Pickler’s Dinner Napkin

Yesterday a picture was leaked of a napkin left at an Applebees in Santa Monica, California, last month while the Twins were visiting the Los Angeles Angels. The napkin was left there inadvertently by, reportedly, Twins Major League Coach Jeff Pickler who was dining at the restaurant with other members of the Twins coaching staff.   The napkin had pictured, among other things, sketches of proposed fielding alignments. Some of the alignments were titled “Ryan Suter,” “Mexico,” and “Mauer.”     Je
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Byron Buxton Retires, Hired by Homeland Security to Catch Bags of Drugs

Byron Buxton practicing his catching in front of a US border wall prototype in June, 2018   SAN DIEGO – After suffering for months with severe migraines and with a history of concussions, Byron Buxton announced on Twitter (@OfficialBuck103) yesterday that he’s officially stepping away from Major League Baseball.   “We’ll miss his presence on the field and in the clubhouse. He’s definitely one of the best center fielders of all time. We wish him the best in his future endeavors,” said Derek Falve
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